On Newsnight last night I came across the immortal sentence "Everybody's talking about Lynton Crosby." I find it highly unlikely that the we're-fucked attitude of the Conservatives' Director of Communications is as big a deal as the death of the last pope, a royal wedding or Gwyneth Paltrow changing hairstyles, but having been read my sister's top ten country song titles (the winner, if I recall rightly, being 'You're the Reason our Kids are Ugly') I decided that it should be recognised as the wonderful title it is. Therefore my song for scratchy voice, blues guitar, incompetent piano and improvised drum/s, in the style of country and western crossed with Flanders and Swann. This is dedicated to the cast and crew of Newsnight.

EVERYBODY'S TALKING ABOUT LYNTON CROSBY

Everybody's talking about Lynton Crosby
Yesterday we'd never heard his name
Everybody's talking about Lynton Crosby
Talking talking about him just the same.

Sold his soul to the devil the daft sod did
(Yesterday we'd never heard his name)
Shacked up with Michael Howard for a few thousand quid
(We're talking talking about him just the same.)

Arrived in London all fresh and clean
(Yesterday we'd never heard his name)
Sold himself to the Tories, got dirty and mean
(We're talking talking about him just the same.)

Now he thinks himself his tone's all wrong
(Yesterday we'd never heard his name)
So none of us think he'll be here for long
(We're talking talking about him just the same.)

Now he'll take back his memos to his native land
I found it amusing all the same
Guess it's sad though he don't understand
Got nobody but himself to blame
Everybody's talking about Lynton Crosby
But Lynton Crosby
Yeah Lynton Crosby
Lynton Crosby is a fuckin stupid name.