The Aardvark Blog

For too long aardvarks have been teased or ignored in the online community. This blog encourages disabled bisexual atheist feminist Socialists to stand shoulder to shoulder with aardvarks in their struggle. And to find out what their struggle actually is.

Tuesday, September 13, 2005

Edinburgh calling

That's not really a very good title, but it implies, hopefully, that I'm going to London for a conference this weekend. I don't know quite how much I'll actually get to see (transport difficulties) but it should be a minor amount of fun, especially as I'm determined to wear my new tshirt on the last day, NOBODY KNOWS I'M A LESBIAN.
Moreover I am very happy because I've finally finished a short story which has been niggling away at me for three years and am getting on well with my book, so have wasted a cheery hour googling my own name. I am not mentioned anywhere on the interweb, which is simultaneously relieving and disappointing, and all my namesakes seem to be Australians and/or golfers.
Soon you'll know if I've died or not. Meanwhile, let me leave youse with this final thought:
Walk, don't run.

Saturday, September 03, 2005

Look,

it's not my fault I've not posted for many days. A lot has been going on in that my computer has decided that it won't accept the cookies of fire or what the fuck ever, and I've been busy, and having fits. So this may/will mark my return to blogging as such.

Wednesday, August 03, 2005

heh

My last post was an unaccountably long time ago; something happened where my browser was not enabled to receive cookies whatever they are. As I have never refused a biscuit myself I was completely baffled by this and couldn't cope with it at all, I'm back and this time I'm mildly annoyed. At everything really. My work placement is a bit toss, but paradoxically and/or conveniently my mother, acting as unofficial advocate since I am having lots of absences and can't really take in anything above the level of an intelligence-insulting lecture on Good Communication in the Workplace, had a meeting with my supervisor last Friday and I had a fit right in the middle of it, and I might-to-will get my hours reduced. This would-to-will be nice.
And I got a new flatmate, whose ten boxes of books I had to help bring up from his friends' van and who swears at the cat in Italian. He keeps things clean and plays the guitar and sings in the evening, so I like him just as much as the invisible flatmate we had before; and he's a Socialist, which helps economise on arguments.
All this doesn't help me sound annoyed, and a lot of the time I'm not. The sun shines a good bit, and my cat is behaving as well as she can, and I might get to write something for Chartist. But all Socialists should maintain a kind of low-level pissedoffness, just in case.

Monday, July 25, 2005

testing testing 123 (again)

Shit. I deleted another blog and I think it might have affected this one.

New from Rooters' Press Agency

Spotted on algae.com:
LONDON, SUNDAY:- Refugees from Earth were today offered a lifeline by the Clangers, who have issued a statement that "People wishing to find an escape from the bigotry, violence, pollution, random killings, pointless hatred and general stupid-wankerism of this unhappy planet can come and live with us, if they don't mind eating soup every day. We will even allow them to reproduce, like the orange froglets."
This information was welcomed by representatives of people with more intelligence than the average crocus. Colin from my jobseekers course said "Fantastic, when can we go?"
Earth people will be picked up later this months in the musical space boat by Tiny Clanger, who added "Wheeeeeeeeeeeeeeee."

Saturday, July 02, 2005

Helen and Alice's Grand Day Out

Helen, Alice, Tam, Heather, Pablo, Ramon, Dick, Janet, Graham, Sarah, Will, Mel, Jody, Ben and quite a few other people's grand day out. Organised by Tam, hosted by me, with a guest appearance by the cat.
It's rather lucky really that the largest-ever demonstration in Scotland (allegedly) is happening about twenty yards from my front door; on the other hand it means that everyone in branch and all their pals are in and out all the time, having glasses of water, using the bathroom, picking up more copies of Socialist Appeal and other literature and stuff which is selling like hot cliches, sorry, cakes, and storing tables and chairs and all sorts. Still, it's good that we have a base close to the Meadows, and Marjorie is very excited to have all these people in and out of her house. We also have some folk from London staying who absolutely adore her, as does everyone before they get to know her. (So small. So fluffy. So cute. Such a funny little purr. And the scars on my legs which she inflicted two months ago are nearly healed up.)
But I spent four hours yesterday - helped by Heather and my wee sister who has been absolutely wonderful throughout the entire thing - making cheese rolls to sell. This was going to be either a triumph or the greatest cock-up committed by a Socialist organisation since someone said "This Blair bloke looks nice, let's give him a go," and at the moment - because I don't want to be complacent - it looks quite like the former. Two hundred rolls - yes, that wasn't a typing error, two hundred - at 50p each, they're nearly all gone, and we've sold loads of papers, six books which is good because a book at six or eight or ten quid is not often an impulse purchase, and lots of packets of crisps. To be honest the roll triumph is probably just because there weren't gigantic queues at the stall; there were queues at the food vans, the toilets, and very possibly the first-aid tent, because the main activity pursued during any large gathering, from Greenham Common to Glastonbury to bloody Crufts, is queueing, and thinking "I'm hungry" and immediately purchasing a slightly squashed bread roll for 50p is preferable to standing in line for half an hour to spend [GBP]4.50 on some chips.
I tried to join the bit of march that set off at 1pm, but it was just like standing in a queue going nowhere at all, so I gave up. This was a shame, as I was dressed in white head-to-toe in order to look like a slightly bitter angel (however my skirt only just fit, and when I put my phone and stuff into the pockets came a bit undone, giving me an air which was less celestial than who-ate-all-the-pies), but shit happens. They managed fine without me anyway. The whole thing seems to be a wee bit more militant than it was originally designed to be, which is good. Through the window I can hear the anti-war people yelling from their stage, and 120,000 or 200,000 (I'd say the latter, because official statistics are, well, official) people hanging around - well, it gives me a bit of hope.
Not a lot, and maybe too much, but a bit.

Monday, June 27, 2005

Sorry I haven't posted for a while

to those of you who watch this thing for updates regularly (ie no one). I've been watching Newsnight Scotland about how difficult it is to get published these days. I'm useless and terrible; I'll never get published because I can't write, even my incest story is too staid and stodgy. I'll have to be a librarian all my life, not that there's anything wrong with librarians but, like my middle name, it's just not me. I'm a failure, my work is a failure, my life is a failure, I'll go to my grave dull, frustrated, unaknowledged and unpublished, and nobody will give a shit about me or anything I've done.
Hope you're all well,
love,
Helen.

Sunday, June 19, 2005

Getting your balls waxed

I've been at my training course for a week now, learning how to improve my self-esteem (what would really improve my self-esteem, actually, is getting to do my sodding job) under a couple of un-nervingly enthusiastic Personal Development Trainers. The good news, of course, is that my fellow self-esteem-improvers are not such a crowd of tosswits as the last lot; good age range, lots of different, interesting people, and - ta-da! - some Socialists!! I have flogged three copies of Socialist Appeal (one pound, two pounds solidarity price, available every Saturday morning outside Tesco on the Causeway) and am signed up to do a self-esteem-improving talk in front of the class (public speaking skills; we're all doing it) about 'The Importance of Ideology'. I have already devised a cunning demonstration of the importance of co-operation as opposed to competition, using a volunteer from the audience and three little bags of beans.
One of the magazines I sold, however, was to the blonde woman in charge of the course, who said in my interview that she wanted to learn more about all the stuff I talked about (Socialism, feminism, etc.); I directed her to my tv review of 'The Apprentice' on page 28, she read it with me standing over her, and at the end said that she didn't agree with it. I would have been quite ready to debate the issue if it had not been time for the class to start, but I learned very quickly why she did not agree. The unhappy truth was that she is peddling the kind of going-for-it-giving-it-100% dribble which I was slagging; I've probably put her off Socialism for life.
But I got the quid, so it turned out OK in the end.